Fear. Loneliness. Depression.

The clouds begin to form ahead of me and I watch as they roll together enlarging their presence in the sky. The lighting comes and the thunder with it. The clouds are dark and ominous. Fear and great loneliness rushes over me followed by a dark depression. I stand and stare at its strength.
I stand alone in front of the storm as it forms ahead of me, soon to be over top of me, and me in the middle of it.
I stand in fear.
I stand in loneliness.
I stand in depression.
Once I welcomed a storm such as this with anticipation.
Now I fear it.
Who is there to stand with me against such a great storm?
I am alone.
The clouds are dark, the lightening bright, and the thunder loud.
The air, which was just recently filled with the brightness of the day, now seems as the night.
The clouds cover the sun.
The sun waits to be seen once again.
The sun is at the mercy of the clouds.
Alone I stand in fear, and depression rushes over my being.
Soon I will be in the storm and alone.
Why do I fear?
If I could only conquer this fear…
Who is there to walk with me?
I quickly run in the other direction, away from the rain, to avoid it.
It rolls in at a slow pace and I escape its presence for a moment, but it continues to come.
The storm rolls in faster now, and I cannot outrun it.
I have only two choices.
I hide.
The rain breaks through the clouds and the lightening strikes many times against the ground.
I hide, sheltered, from the storm.
It does not touch me, but it surrounds me.
I fear and am lonely.
If I could face this storm…
When I was a child my mother and father stood with me and I was not afraid.
As I grew old and left from under their protection I found myself alone without a friend in the world.
No man would stand with me, because I would not allow it.
I could not find comfort and trust in any man.
I look out from under my shelter and men and woman walk together in the rain peacefully unafraid.
As I look closer however I see their fear, but it is deep within them, hidden.
They are stronger than I however, able to face the rain together.
I fear more than they, because I am alone.
I want to join them but I am prevented.
I prevent myself.
I quickly find a moment to break free from this prevention and join them in the rain, and for a moment the fear ceases and I feel no longer alone. We walk through the rain together and the energy from each being holds the other up. We walk for miles, but then, quickly it comes to me. I look at those I walk with and quickly fear, for I remember the fear I saw in them, deep within them. Their energy seems to diminish from within me, until it slowly disappears completely and I am left alone in the rain.
They walk on without me.
I find my way back to the shelter and look out into the storm, fear and loneliness back with me.
Depression fills the air around me, coming from within me.
When will I be able to walk into this storm alone, standing by no mans energy?

~ by James Moffett on June 19, 2008.

2 Responses to “Fear. Loneliness. Depression.”

  1. it eas very refreshing sad and melancholic to read this,,,i guess we never walk into the strom alone …

  2. dude,
    1. for what “comfort” it’s worth, you’re not alone in your walk, melancholic as moments may be…they never last, thank God.
    2. when are you going to blow this joint and get out there and make some films? what r u waiting for…the burning bush?

    much love and support as always! you know we love you.

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